Hello, first-time, freaked-out expectant mother

Hello, first-time, freaked-out expectant mother, let me tell you all about the traumatic things that happened to me/my friend/my sister/my cousin during pregnancy/labor/delivery.



Oh, and while I’m at it, let me tell you how long it took me to lose those ten pounds I gained… what? You’ve gained 25? Well, don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll come off… eventually. Come to think of it, you HAVE been looking pretty big these last few weeks, it’s about time for you to pop, right? Really? Only six months along? Well, it’s probably the way you’re carrying. You know, if you carry that high, it’s going to be a girl… What? A boy? Well bless my soul!

Uncomfortable? Don’t worry, honey, this is only the beginning. By the time you get to 8 1/2 months you’ll be so uncomfortable you won’t be able to stand, sit, walk, lay down or breathe. And if you think you can’t sleep NOW…

I tell you all these new ideas about what a pregnant woman should eat/drink/sleep/do/wear are ridiculous. When I was an expecting mother we wore tents for shirts/drank wine at dinner every night/didn’t use the word ‘pregnant’ for anything but livestock/never would have…/always…/smoked/excercised every day/stayed in bed for the last 5 months. Therefore, you should, too, in order to be a responsible mother.

This is your first? The first labor is always the longest/worst/most painful. Your first child is always the most trying/strong-willed/difficult to bond with.

How many people are you having in the delivery room? OH MY GOODNESS! Why not just invite the whole world? Lights, camera, action! That’s way too many/too few/too crowded/too dangerous/too unreliable/too boring/too private. I’m sure you’ll feel differently when the time comes.

What are your plans after the baby’s born? What! You’re staying home/going back to work/full-time/part-time/undecided/working from home??? How can you possibly focus enough on your career/baby/husband/house/pets/social life/self enough if you do that? But don’t worry, dear, I’m sure you’ll see just how ridiculous that is once you get there.

Just one more little word of advice, honey, be sure you write/pack/remember/tell/try/learn/read/ingest/assimilate/understand everything pertaining to pregnancy/labor/delivery/babies/hospitals/safety standards/cribs/germs/diapers/clothes/massage/post-pardum/stress/underwater basket weaving.

I’m so glad we had this little talk, it’s great to hear about what’s going on in your life.

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